Dear Joey,
I love you soooo much!! You and all of the guys rock soooo much!! I wish I could marry every single one of you!! I can't wait for your new video to see what you guys look like in it!! I love you!! You should sing every song all by yourself cuz you rock!!
Love,
Lacey
Dear Lacey,
Thank you for loving me and the meatballs so much. But you sound like you're about 12 or 13. Write Joey back in another year or two, then we can talk about REAL lovin.
Joey
My dearest Joey,
Hi, my name is uhhh, Lindsay. I wanted to write you and tell you how sexy you are, especially when you come out of the shower and I catch you looking at yourself... I know cause I look too. I love to watch you sleep, and sometimes I even catch you jerking off in the bunk next to mine. I see you and I do it too, I'm thinking of you while I do it. I would like to taste your meatballs sometime, they sure look yummy. I miss the old days when we used to be very very very very good "friends." Back before you liked women... eww, that's so gross. Well that's all I have to say for now, I'll see you soon at practice.
Love always,
Lance...er, Lindsay Bass
P.S. Dirk says hi!
Dear um, Lindsay,
What's wrong with you Lance?! I know it's you dammit! Don't be trying to play the player! NO MEATBALLS FOR YOU! How many times do I have to tell you that? It may have happened once, but I was drunk, and you were wearing a wig and a pink thong... how was I to know? Leave me alone, asswipe!
Joey
Deer Joey,
Hi, me name iz Brit-Brit, ya now, as in Spears? I waz jus wanderin wat your planz we're four tonite cause I be fre cauz some otha hoe iz pensiled in for Justin tonite, an my cuzin is away so i cant use him. Pleze gimme a cal caz id like too see wat silikon an meetbalz can do togatha. Oh thats anotha thang, i'm now upgreated to a double g an had to put in a 3rd spine ta suport meself. Oh dam me dog jus peed on me pleata pants. Wel i gues i be hafta too weer nutin now. Plez gimme a ring lata. Huggs n kises
Luve,
Bratney
Dear Bratney,
How many times must I tell you? I go after high quality hoes, not cheap ones like you. I need to stay clean from all of your STDs bitch. NO MEATBALLS FOR YOU!
Joey
Dear Joey,
We love you and your meatballs! And guess what? WE'RE LEGAL!!! Write back and we'll give you a place where you can meet us and we can have a fun time together when you're around Pittsburgh! And we have the meatball waiver ready!
Love,
Nicki, Leah, and Marisa
Dear Nicki, Leah, and Marisa,
WOW! LEGAL WOMEN? This makes Joey's meatballs VERY happy! I make special to Pittsburgh for you girls! All I ask is that you provide the condoms and hoagies, and I'll provide the meatballs **sauce is optional** and a night of lovin you won't soon forget. See you ladies soon!
Joey and Meatballs
Dear Joey,
Hi, my name is Christina and I'm a singer like you. My hobbies include sex, singing, sex, dancing, sex, taking my clothes off, and giving head. If you want to get together for a night with a major pop star, write me back!
Love,
Christina Aguilera
P.S. I'm a bigger whore than Britney.
Dear Christina,
WOW! A bigger whore than Britney? I never thought it was possible! Well, thanks for the offer, but the meatballs already had an STD scare once, and I don't want another one. Maybe Justin is available though, he likes the cheap blonde ones!
Joey
Dear Joey-bear,
You may know me from another popular boy band, we are known for short as the "BSB." I am the most attractive member in the group and I decided that you should bring your fine ass to our group. We will let you sing A LOT and shake your fine ass wherever you want. We will in exchange give you Nick cause we don't want his fat ass here, but we do want your fine ass. We don't have bunks available right now so your fine ass can sleep with me. *Wink, wink* We can go to Brooklyn on our next tour and I can meet my future in-laws, I mean, uh, friends. Yeah, friends sounds good. So your fine ass better write me back or I will go beat your fine ass. Remember I am Puerto Rican, I sweat a lot, and I will give your fine ass a good workin.
Hugs, kisses, and cookies,
Howie D.
Dear Howie D.,
Thanks, but no thanks, I'm in a SUCCESSFUL boy band and I don't want to ruin my career. I'm into women, maybe Lance will take you up on your offer, he's into your kind of "fine ass." NO MEATBALLS FOR YOU!
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me start by saying I am your perfect fan. The first time I met you, all I did was undress you with my eyes. Every time you come on my show you get more and more sexy and I find my loins constantly burn for you. I have been with many celebrities including: Kid Rock and the Midget, Fred Durst, Christina Aguilera, Eminem, P.Roach, but they do not compare to your meatballs in any way. Your meatballs are rad, dude. If you would give me just one night, come on over, and you could get lucky, because it's gonna be me. I have been with your band-mate, Lance, and he tells me wonderful things about you! Me and Lance have broken up, so me and my hairy ass are available.
Love Always,
Carson Daly
Dear Carson,
If you ever ask me to sleep with you again, I'll never come back on TRL. Why don't you get back together with Lance because that's as close to the meatballs you'll ever get. As for you being with all those celebrities, I know that it's not safe for the meatballs, not like I would ever degrate myself by sleeping with a 3rd rate celebrity like yourself. You just stick to getting head from Christina Aguilera and I'll have no problem with you!
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me see your thong! Hi, this is Sisqo and I would like you to unleash my dragon. I'm sure you're the type of man that wears a thong. And I'm sure your meatballs are bursting out! I would like to help you with that and see that thong thong thong thong THONG! Please write me back!
The dragon,
Sisqo
Dear Sisqo,
No, I'm not the thong type, I'm more of a boxer-briefs man... well, that's not important. Any my meatballs are none of your business. I'm into this thing called women. I'm not the gay one in the group- that's Lance's position.
Joey
Dear Joey,
You won't know our names, but we're the "other two" members of Destiny's Child. You know, the ones that are the backup singers for Beyonce. We feel your pain of not being allowed to sing and we also think you are a very sexy man. How would you and the meatballslike to get together for a menagie trois? We won't make you say our name-you'll probably forget anyways, but the bed will be JUMPIN JUMPIN!
Love,
Kelly and Michelle of Destiny's Child
Dear Kelly and Michelle,
Wow, what an offer! The meatballs are always up for this kind of thing! Ask Beyonce is she wants in on the action and then we'll talk!
Joey |
